This week marks the half way point in this deployment, if another person tells me on hearing this “WOW that has gone quick hasn’t it” I might say something I regret!!!!!!!!
In truth some days I too feel like it has gone quite quickly and some days I feel like time has stood still, it really is a little like wading through treacle. I can cope with deployment if that is all that is going on but when other things are thrown into the mix that is when it feels like I become a little wobbly.
This week I’ve felt like I have been walking along a tightrope……wobbling all over the place through the week
- The car battery warning light came on so had to get that to the garage
- I got a migraine one day which is tricky when you are on your own and have a child to get here and there
- I was travelling three days out of five for work which always makes me jittery when I know I have sole parenting responsibility…will I make it back on time?!
- I had to sort removals and confirm moving dates
- I hadn’t heard from my husband and jumped to conclusions which sent my mind into overdrive until he made contact
This is just real life stuff nothing major I know that but it tips the balance to the place where I find being on my own consuming and the deployment black cloud loomed so badly this past week. I drove to stay with my mum for a night for some TLC, much needed.
I dissolved into tears.
WHY am I not being strong? WHY is this so hard? WHY isn’t it getting easier? AM I making it more difficult then it needs to be? the questions I ask myself daily at the moment. After some sunshine, some rescue remedy, a change of scenery and some sound sleep I had a better day. I’m having to continually remind myself that every new day is a chance to try again and to aim to see the positives that happen in each and every day no matter how small.
The reality is I like the days less when my husband isn’t in them.
My daughter at just 14 years old has been an absolute sweetheart without her really knowing it she is an absolute rock to me through this deployment, she makes me smile and laugh on a daily basis and she is really good company. I know I am very lucky in that respect, I have done deployments with a little one where you are tied to the house every night from 5 pm onwards and that is REALLY tough, I’m not there now but I can totally empathise. I do have the luxury of being able to go to a gym class, meeting a friend or me and Madison go off to the cinema.
My husband arranged for some beautiful flowers to be delivered this week with a very cute note simply saying “I know this isn’t easy” flowers really are the key to making me smile, I fill the house with lots of them, simple things!
Once we are over the half way hump I’m hoping its downhill from there! Good days and bad make up the patchwork that is deployment and when you are right in the thick of it sometimes it is hard to see through the fog, it does always clear though. There are definitely good days it isn’t all doom and gloom, the sunshine is certainly helping, I’m hoping for a less wobbly week on the tight rope this week!