It has been a while since I last managed to write any words…nearly a month to be exact but the truth is my thermostat broke. I was explaining to a friend recently and the best way to describe how I felt was like a radiator thermostat, it regulates things but mine broke and I couldn’t regulate my emotions or feelings for a while.
I was sad, irrational, lost and just a bit broken.
The thing is my husband is a habit of mine. If you smoked for two years my assumption is it would be easier to give up then if you had smoked for 10 years…I met my husband when I was 18, we’ve been married 15 years I find it harder to be apart from him the longer he’s in my life.
When real life stuff happens that is when I find life with him not in it the hardest, some health things came up for me and our daughter, I needed my husband and he wasn’t here. It isn’t all about me through this deployment it isn’t a bed of roses for him either, he also struggled because he wanted to be here more than anything but being 3,530 miles away he couldn’t be.
I needed to dig deep, call on friends and family, get reflexology, stop blogging and concentrate on wading through the days until the sun shone again. Feeling so alone is the worst feeling in the world, not being able to have a cuddle when you need one and only having your own thoughts whirling round in your head is consuming.
As I forever say though tough deployment times can’t last forever, they are temporary moments in time and chapters you WILL look back on as the pain fades and wonder why you found it so hard. (I absolutely promise this happens, I have been there so many times….in October my blog will be ‘What was all the fuss about’)
We aren’t completely through the woods yet, we have two months left of this deployment, the move is creeping closer and I have done nothing and there are still some health bits and pieces ongoing but I am not waking up with a dark cloud over me every day now.
What changed? How did I turn the corner?
There is no magic wand but for me seeing our countdown chart looking more full of crosses and moving into the single figure weeks to go really helped me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, I now feel like this deployment won’t get the better of me….I CAN DO THIS. We are no longer counting how long he’s been away but how long until he comes home!
I have learnt the manipulation of time too…I count down in all different ways; weeks, calendar months, 4 week months, weekends left… ANYTHING to make it sound like less time to go!
The sunshine also helps, the self care helped, the giving up alcohol helped, the not constantly talking about the deployment helped and being honest with a couple of family and friends about how hard I was finding it also gave me the strength I needed. I am eternally grateful to those who continually pull me out of dark deployment holes, thank you.
We have also reached the point in deployment when this is now our normal, I no longer wake up and instantly miss my husband, the truth is I can’t remember what it is like to have him here daily, to have that other person to think about because I haven’t had that for over 4 months now….time makes those things disappear. My husband hates this part of the deployment because it makes him sad and in the cycle of things it is short lived because it only lasts for a month or so then you become excited for their return. This state of normal has help me though, reaching this point it has become less painful.
Deployment really is a roller coaster and for me it never gets any bloody easier if anything the older I get the harder it seems to get, if you too are going through a separation and are finding it hard please don’t think everyone else around you is breezing through…I have lived this life for 18 years, done countless deployments and here I am still rubbish at it!
You are not alone, it is OK not to be OK sometimes.
Right now though I have my eyes on the end and I’m feeling a little refueled, well enough to get me through the next 8 weeks I hope anyway!!!