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Louise's Blog

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It’s not that I don’t love you….

It has been a MUCH better week this week…hoorah!!!! Last week really did test my resolve for lots of reasons and I had to dig deep, really deep to add in lots of positivity and self care to make it through. Military separation and deployment really does push us to our extremes at times, it is often a rocky road and sometimes others factors can also impact what kind of week we have…hormones, real life stuff happening, how our children are behaving, unexpected postings and lots more.

 It’s about doing the very best we can at that moment in time

My husband has now been deployed for nearly 8 weeks, but it feels like 8 months because so so much has happened in such a short space of time, most of which has been out of our control. In summary my husband was promoted soon after he deployed and that has resulted in an unexpected posting order to move a few hours away from where we are based now. LOTS of unsettled nights on my own tossing and turning, deciding what was best and ultimately we have made the decision that we will pack up and move with my husband….2 weeks after he comes home from deployment.

The decision has been so hard because our daughter is in Year 10 so we will be moving her mid GCSEs and that is something I ALWAYS said I would never do, we’d remain wherever we were at that time, I was adamant she would have stability for her exams. The problem is “Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans” my mum has always told me this Lennon quote throughout my life and it is so so true.

The thing is I think I can be strong for 6 months and make it to the end of this deployment, I will be emotionally shattered and need some TLC for a couple of months but I am confident we will skid to the end and arrive in a bit of a heap, but we will arrive at that end point! I don’t think I can be strong for a 6 month deployment and then another 11 months living apart straight after, I don’t have it in me.

We have to be honest with ourselves sometimes and know our limitations.

We are moving and we are doing it so we are together as a family, so we can support each other. Our daughter will be fine because she will have us, our constant love and TLC which will result in her doing just fine in her GCSEs. The move will come together somehow over deployment and I am trying, now I have got my head around it to be less stressed, not to put myself through the mangle and most importantly not listen to other peoples opinions about how we really shouldn’t be moving our daughter.

My mood is different this week, I’m uplifted and excited because…..

This week is RnR week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am well aware it is early in the deployment and the other side will be a long slog but we chose it this way for a few reasons and I just couldn’t BE more excited to see my husband especially with everything that has happened, it will be sooooooo welcome to have an actual full conversation without the line cutting out.

My husband messaged me his flight details asked me to collect him from RAF Brize Norton

I said no.

It isn’t that I don’t love my husband, I really, really do and I am so so excited to see his face but I just can’t do collections or drop offs. I remember years ago in 2003 I did drop him off at camp to go to the Iraq war, I was pregnant and I cried so hard driving home I couldn’t actually see the road (I was listening to Big Brovaz; Baby Boy too which might not have helped…throwback!) I also did meet him at camp at the end of an Afghanistan tour but I sat in the car and waited for him.

I’m emotionally complex maybe, I don’t like people seeing my emotions and the thought of strangers seeing me upset fills me with pure dread, I just can’t do it to myself. Maybe that is selfish because I know he’d love to see my face at Brize but we are 16 odd years down the line, he knows it isn’t out of spite and he knows there will be a huge cuddle waiting for him the moment he arrives home. We are all different and those who wait with a beautiful banner at the airport, I’m envious as I do wish I could be that person even if it was just once.

RnR in itself can be a strange period to navigate, this time I haven’t booked anything and there is no expectation on either side, we will take it as it comes. I won’t blog while my husband is home on RnR, there’s various birthdays and Easter plus some moving stuff we need to sort but I will of course let you know how we get on!!!

Lots of love, Louise xxx

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About Louise

Louise herself served in the British Army and saw active service in Kosovo. Her husband is a serving soldier who has undertaken six operational tours of duty since their daughter was born in 2003. Louise is passionate about helping all the Little Troopers at home through the anxiety of deployment and also the stress of a long course or exercise having experienced first hand the impact it can have.

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